It’s been a while and I think it’s time to clear out the warehouse of fury a bit. You may have noticed the new name for this recurring-on-no-particular-schedule piece. I think “The Rage Report” sounds better than “Things k hates”, and it’s a little more versatile.

I’ve also decided I’m gonna change the format a bit. Traditionally I’ve written exclusively about personal annoyances and things that, while unquestionably infuriating, tend to be of minimal import. I’m not doing away with that, because, let’s face it, that’s kind of what I am. I do plan to occasionally weave in some pieces that make me angry that actually *mean* something. Things about politics or religion or whatever that piss me off but not enough to write a whole essay about.

Ok, enough administrative garbage, let’s get to the Rage.

1. THE PS3 : A big gas face to the asshats at Sony for pricing the PS3 at a totally insane $600. Yes, I know, there’s a version that’s $100 cheaper, but it’s effectively like offering a car without windshield wipers or an RPM gauge. That is, the cheaper version is, in fact, cheaper, and technically functional, but it’s not fucking complete. Suffice it to say that unless the PS3 comes with an as-yet-unadvertised capability for cleaning the house, cooking my breakfast or otherwise being a robot house servant, I’m not forking over $600 for it. What’s most infuriating, as g and I have discussed before, is that the price, not to mention the eternity spent waiting for the fucking console has not one damn thing to do with making the gaming experience better. It’s all about fucking Blu-Ray - a technology I have no interest in, insufficient hardware to make use of even casually, and which may or may not even succeed in the medium term. And yet, if I get a PS3, I’m paying to be a Blu-Ray early adopter all the same. Well, fuck them. I’m not buying their overpriced system. Eventually, after the second or third price drop, we’ll see. $600 is a lot of chu-toro and sake.

2. CHATTY FUCKS BLOCKING THE ENTRANCE TO MY BUILDING : I pose a question. Ought I to be less annoyed when people stand directly in front of the door to my building, chatting, requiring me to prompt them to move out of the path so that humans can enter and exit a place of business? If you answered “Yes” you’re wrong and probably a rude and oblivious jerk too. For christ sakes, it’s not like “doors” or “sidewalks” are a new invention. It’s pretty much understood that, unlike some kind of big tent or tarpaulin, buildings have limited access, and placing oneself directly in the line of said access generates inconvenience for 100% of everyone else trying to utilize the walkway, door and card-key access panel. Move 3 feet to left, tools. Talk about your brat’s soccer game and all the cleaning you have to do around the house this weekend somewhere NOT in my way. Thankssss.

3. NON-SIGNALING VEHICUTARDS : I just made up that word. The world needs a term to convey the overwhelmingly common and absolutely outrageous behaviors of those with whom we share our roads. I’m sure I’ve mentioned my relationship to drivers who don’t signal — it’s a relationship founded on pure hate from my side and thought-free muddling through miserable and oppressive life on theirs — previously in this forum. It’s worth another shot today as I almost crashed into this moron vehicutard who thought it would totally fine to pull a u-turn across a split median without so much as one blink from the device whose sole purpose is to tell me when a vehicle is about to change direction. Of course, it was a small satisfaction that I noticed while barely missing the ass end of their fucking Buick that they couldn’t complete the U-turn and were straddling 2.5 lanes of the road. Imbeciles.

4. GM : Really, could they be more stupid? Labor issues, uninspired vehicles and asleep at the wheel management (yeah, it’s a car metaphor, you know you like it) and now, as if they hadn’t already chained themselves to the SUV we get this retarded move. They’re so convinced that people still want giant SUV’s and boring “midsized” cars, and so blazé about the undeniable oil quandary we’re in, that they’re willing to subsidize your gas use for a year. Lame. How about making cars that look nice and perform well and don’t require a direct connection to Saudi Arabian oil fields? Just a thought.

5. JAMES BLUNT : I’ve saved the best for last. This toolcase really raises my ire. Talentless hacks pretty much infuriate me constantly. There are so many of them and they’re frequently so popular, it’s pretty much All Hate, All The Time™ over here. But this guy wins the prize for Worst Song of the Decade. Also, he’s a runner up for Most Mundane Love Song, but it’s not so important.

As if the lyrics weren’t bad enough, the music is the most horrendously sappy, maudlin string of notes humanity has ever heard plucked from the strings of a sad and lonely guitar. It makes me want to set fires and break windows and crush rock with my bare hands. It’s like nails on a chalkboard would be if done by the devil himself in the lowest pit of sulphrous hell; a sonic torment the likes of which neither God nor Man can contemplate without losing their grip on sanity.

I had thought to print some of the hated lyrics here as proof, but I can’t do it. To reproduce them here, I’d have to read them, copy them into the memory of my computer and transmit them over the network multiple times. I just can’t do it. If you wish to verify my words, and consider yourself a strong person, I’m sure Google or iTunes can provide you with the foul stuff. I need to go cleanse myself… I feel dirty just thinking about it.

Friday, May 26th, 2006 @ 12:53 pm The Rage Report
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